satya

i've been experiencing the power of deep truth the past couple days. on sunday, i hung out with roger at the langdon street cafe in montpelier. i revealed things to him that i was deeply afraid to tell him, things that had built up, that i tried to suppress. i shook at times. but, roger responded postively, opening up himself, telling me things, sharing. we both felt high afterwards, flushed with energy. everything seemed vivid on the drive home. after such an opening, i thought that my therapy session with gabriel would be smooth. no such luck. it was difficult. i fumbled, found no clarity, had difficulty relating to gabriel or the therapist. i felt completely closed. the therapist said she felt i was hiding something. later, gabriel made me dinner. we talked, i centered myself, and tried to reach that same place i'd found with roger. slowly, the truth started to flow. it feels like energy to me, like a hot fluid coursing through my body. when i feel it, the fear of revealing myself diminishes, i believe what i say and find confidence in my own words. i find myself able to reach deep and say just what i needed to say, without fabrication, calculation, correction or even much thought.

i seem to have a strong fear of revealing myself. i don't know where it comes from, but perhaps it's a byproduct of all the practice i had as a teen hiding myself, especially those who loved me most, for fear that should they know my real self they wouldn't love me. the closer people came to me the more i hid. crazy. and a bad habit, no matter how understandable. it's no wonder i shake when the real stuff comes to the surface. i'm not used to it. but it teaches me how much being who you are is critical to being whole. i feel exultant after letting go. there is nothing more powerful than admitting who you are.