lukoil faggot

the other day i drove into our local lukoil to fill up. at one of the pumps stood two guys next to a truck. one guy was middle aged, a bit pudgy. the other was thin, muscular, short-cropped hair. he was talking loudly. the gas station attendant was standing outside on the curb arms crossed glaring at the younger guy.

as i drove past the two to get to the other side of the pumps i heard the younger say, "look at that faggot in his red faggot car!" i laughed to myself at the same time i felt a primal tinge of animal fear in my spine. i got out of my car and began to fill up. the younger guy was yelling at everyone, everything, calling people names, screaming at cars driving by. i thought i'd been spared when he guffawed and yelled, "look at that faggot in his orange faggot shoes." he had a thing for color, i realized. i ignored him and continued to fill up. then he came right over to me and said to my face, "hey, what's up with those shoes? are you a faggot?" without much thought, i looked right in his eyes and said, "yep," a bit surprised at myself. for the first time since i'd been there, he stopped talking. then he said quietly, ducking his head a bit, "really?" i said, "uh huh." he asked me more about my shoes. i took the cue and asked him if he wanted to try one on. he looked at me for a second then accepted. he took off his boot revealing a dirty sock. i handed over my orange shoe, an orange rubber clog actually, and stood on one foot while he tried it on. he said, "wow! where the hell you get these things? i'll buy these off ya! how much?" i told him where to get them. he then introduced himself by name, asked mine, shook my hand and told me it was nice to meet me. then he told me how his uncle had come out of the closet and what chaos that had caused in his family. the scene closed with him returning my shoe, putting his boot back on, getting in his truck with his pal who had silently watched, perhaps in as much amazement as me, and drove off holering out the window that he'd just tried on "some faggot's orange shoe!"

if i had been with a group of gay men i'm sure there'd have been a lot of cat calling and name calling right back at him. but it was just me and for some reason, i didn't resist him, i just told him the truth. i felt great afterwards. i don't know if it made any difference in his life, but it brought home to me that telling the truth, honoring myself in the face of attack and more importantly respecting and honoring the attacker is a weapon powerful enough to interrupt patterns of violence and hatred.