i'm getting ready for my timber framing course by acquiring some tools. all the timber framing books i've looked at recommend buying older tools or extremely expensive new tools. i've been on ebay bidding away on old things like this old stanley plane. the most exotic thing i've bid on is a mortise drilling machine. it looks like something out of frankenstein and it's expensive! but, i've seen these at work and they make mortising quick and accurate.
i played a flaming fireman
gabriel on fire
hot bearded men: danny & javier
marky mark's post troll getup
imagine a sleepy vermont town on a cold late october night. parking lots empty, street lamps buzzing. and then, slowly but steadily a small crowd of costumed kids, adults and a few dogs begin to mingle outside a renovated industrial building. suddenly there are electric butterflies floating above the crowd and a small band of drummers roll out african rhythms. and then the crowd surges onto main street waking up the sleepy town with revelry, hooting and music. a few stops along the way pick up more paraders and some candy throws. not much more than fifteen minutes after the parade starts it ends in the riverside backyard of another restored building. there's a barrel of wood to warm, a fire organ, a fire eater and a monster petting zoo. inside, a party and book signing. one by one paraders make their way back to where they started—to the first renovated industrial building—for a dance party, the "fire ball." hand-painted oversized cartoon posters cover the floor to ceiling glass, sarah, the deejay, spins out a dancable mix that keeps the energy high and the groove pulsing five hours and most everyone light on their feet the whole time.
this was the scene of our fourth white river junction (rio blanco) halloween parade and dance party last night.
i had a great time. i dressed as a flaming fireman and used pretty much just stuff laying around the studio—old clothes, left over glow wire from the butterflies, left over insulation from my yoga studio, a lot of staples, some hot glue and a bit of thread. i was going to play my djembe with steve ferraris and his rhythm crew but i ended up playing a remo tennis-racket-like paddle drum because i couldn't very well run the parade, keep my flames flickering—this required my left hand to flip a small toggle switch constantly—and play a djembe all at the same time.
roger and danny paraded with knavin, their three-legged yellow lab. roger is one of the smoothest dancers i've ever known—i don't know how he does it. i caught danny and javier together in a snapshot. bearded men are hot. gabriel's costume was, as always, incredible, indescribable and imaginative, a confluence of styles and themes that shocked, delighted and horrified. he lit many a cigarette with his flaming cone-tits. mark, in the footsteps of his last year's troll-under-the-bridge, invented a new character, ziggy star troll, that i hope someone recorded in decent photos. it was a sight to behold. towards the end of the party, kim, angela and i placed some objects and orange tape bits on the floor and payed homage to the ensemble as if it were a deity with our writhing and play. angela and i taped our feet to the floor and learned how much the world expands with limitation.
almost everyone came in costume which creates a special energy. people come out of their shells, play alter-egos, engage each other through the transformation of their mask. the theme of the party was "fire ball," but the deeper theme was creativity, inspiration, expression and transformation.
i'm looking into carpet for my yoga studio. through chelsea green publishers, who have their office in my building, i discovered interface, a carpet company that seeks sustainability. they seek...
...to be the first company that, by its deeds, shows the entire industrial world what sustainability is in all its dimensions: People, process, product, place and profits — by 2020 — and in doing so we will become restorative through the power of influence.
not only do they seem to be vested in sustainability, their carpet designs are interesting. i've ordered samples. the design i liked the best, however, is unsuitable for radiant floors :( they informed they are working on it.
there's another website friends danny and roger told me about: greenfloors.com that lists all kinds of flooring products that incorporate low toxicity and recycling.
reading interface's sustainability report helped me realize the potential for industry to correct itself. i like interface's wholistic approach--they seek not only low toxicity, for instance, benefitting the end user, but also to improve all aspects of their production process, from the raw material extraction to the welfare of its employees. "We must create a company that addresses the needs of society and the environment by developing a system of industrial production that decreases our costs and dramatically reduces the burdens placed upon living systems." this is not the kind of statement i'm used to hearing from big industry.
this evening i couldn't help notice these benches at an otherwise completely wholesome event.
i'm designing my halloween costume right now. i've got a sketch on paper. this is how it always starts. a napkin, an envelope. this time it's a scrap from a pile of printouts. i like to have a very clear idea before i start actually making things. even if i stray completely from the original idea, i like to have something from which to launch, otherwise i feel like i'm pushing against air. i think this is why i like to collaborate—having another perspective gives me something to lean on.
the costume: aluminum coated foam cut into flame shapes sewn to an old pair of carhartts and a shirt, a headpiece made from the same aluminum, all of which is adorned with electroluminescent wire. the theme of our halloween party is "fireball." this feels mildly inspired, but it's not probably going to knock anyone's socks off. it'll be fun to make.
i picked up a booklet called yoga life by johanna maheshvari mosca. it's a brief guide to the yamas and niyamas, the yogic ethic and moral codes. there are five yamas (restraints) and five niyamas (observances), making ten total, not unlike the ten commandments of the western bible, but without wrath of god bearing down in thou-shalts. the first yama is ahimsa, non-violence. it is the foundation upon which the remaining yamas and niyamas rest. from the book:
Ahimsa is non-harming, non-violence, non-killing. It is gentleness, compassion and love for all living beings. Ahimsa teaches us to refrain from harming any being including ourselves. It teaches us to love unconditionally. Every word, thought or action that involves judgement, anger, greed, lust or attachment is a form of violence to be avoided.
i first learned of the yamas/niyamas a few years ago. while they seemed beautiful and enligtened to me then, i feel i'm just now beginning to grasp their deeper significance and giving them the space and time in my life to resonate. understanding how anger is violent isn't difficult. the products of anger, yelling and fighting for instance, are obviously violent. but lust is another story. it's taken all my faculties to grasp how lust, which since puberty i've confused with love and intimacy, is violent. growing up gay, white, upper-middle class and american in the 1970s, the birth decade of the modern gay movement, i came to believe that lust, lusting, talking about lust and acting on it was part of the freedom of being openly and joyously gay. not only that, it was expected. being gay and unsexual is practically taboo. i was once asked to leave a bar because it seemed to those in charge that i was suspiciously unlustful. in years since then i've proved to myself that i can be as lustful as the next gay guy, visiting bathhouses, going home with strangers, sleeping with lots of guys in a single night.
it took a wrenching relationship steeped in lust and attachment to bring the pitfalls of disregarding ahimsa to light, to open my eyes to the snare trap that lust and attachment are. it's taken me a couple years to right myself after that entanglement and, thankfully, compassion and unconditional love won over bitterness, resentment and hurt. the pain of that relationship has been my greatest teacher, my guru. the moment i stopped judging, condemning and rejecting—the moment i stopped being violent to both myself and my lover—the hurt began to dissipate as if, quite literally, i stopped beating myself (this happened unexpectedly and very quickly about four in the morning after weeks of sleepless agonizing). it wasn't until i recognized the violence of my insatiable lust for him—and all the pain it wrought—that i was able to find my way to a deep and sustaining love for myself and for him.
i'm back to finishing my yoga space, putting down a plywood floor over the radiant heat system. this project has been stalled for months. it feels good to attend to it. my habit is to get way too many projects going at the same time, leaving the ones with unclear goals or personal challenges to rest or wither. i'm not sure what exactly challenges me with this project, but all of the following figure to some degree: finishing the project will compel me to use the space, meaning i'll feel a need to become more disciplined in my yoga practice and face my fears about that; a friend helped me with the first stages of the project and we then came to blows—his memory lingers; i have fear about puncturing the radiant heat system while screwing down the plywood; i feel reluctance to spend money on carpet; i've promised people i'll start teaching a class when i finish the space; i've had difficulty making a decision about how to lay the floor down (glue or no glue).
so, with each sheet of plywood i put down, i feel i'm tackling a raft of issues, creating not only a plane on which to practice yoga but also the space in which to honor, accept and cope with fear and hope. the carpentry has returned me to my body after a weeks of desk-bound web coding and each sheet is a physical challenge that connects my psychological world to my body. lifting 4x8 sheets of 3/4" plywood takes care, strength, pacing and clear focus. getting the tongues and grooves to meet takes cleverness, patience, force and precision. this laying of plywood is teaching me much of what i learn on a yoga mat and that what i experience on the mat i can experienced in every moment of my life if i bring awareness and compassion to each task. this job would be easier if i had help, but there is something deeply satisfying about doing it alone. this is a solo practice and i'm grateful for its gifts.
hills west of montpelier I-91
burning brush at destiny
it's fall in new england. it's late this year encouraging bumper crops, october barbeques, and dismayed leaf peepers. i love the fall. it feels like one big joyous funeral to me. the difference, i suppose, between an individual's funeral and this natural spectacle is that more or less everyone agrees the dead will be resurrected in the spring. in hinduism and buddhism that belief holds true for individuals as well. i've never been to a buddhist or hindu funeral, but perhaps they have a similar feeling to fall. imagine what the world would be like if nothing died and nothing was born. i guess that would be perfection in some sense, but how awfully boring it would be. our universe—our whole existence—is rooted in coming and going. without that foundation what would we be? gods i suppose, and probably bored. think of the ennui and angst of the angels in wings of desire. i remember a talking heads song from college days: "Heaven is a place where nothing happens." happy joyous melancholy funerial fall!
![absolut_corruption[1]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_td9NvqqwDUjusMvuThedU7BnuRFYbEyJDs2v5O1TJKUYXOyqtaTK_GH7eqyaU4GooOQYQS3rXgk8mWJmPtdIHJFZzV_MzCoBDFzS6wAvXxIwkCXt-44GkF=s0-d)
i wake up every morning wondering what the hell our government is doing. these guys seem to do the same.
another site i like to visit for a sideways look, down on hands and knees kind of view: www.cursor.org.
i began to describe a dream i had last night that seemed so strange i had to relate it. but, as with so many dreams, i really couldn't begin to describe it. what seemed profound in the dream now seems incoherent. at one point in the dream i had a mirror in my mouth and was wailing in front of a small party of young people who thought my performance was deeply sad and moving. at other points i was lost looking for a truck that i'd rented for a purpose that i couldn't remember. i awoke from the dream feeling i'd been given a glimpse into my soul. there's a small window of time during my waking process, between dream and consciousness, where dreamworld and reality seem to mesh, where my will has impact in the fluidity of the subconscious. i love this place. i write beautiful poetry, long letters, make beautiful movies. when fully awake i lose connection to that place. it's as if reality, or my defense against reality, my shell, hardens with the morning light and i lose the sensitivity necessary to access the inbetween. it reminds me of certain insects who go through metamorphosis. they emerge soft and pliable from their former bodies then harden in the sun in preparation for their next stage of life.
i've just put online a website i designed for our local film festival, www.wrif.org, which has been a lot of fun to work on. i coded it all by hand and in the process learned lots about new web techniques. this work has brought back feelings from my computer days, feelings of satisfaction that i can absorb tremendous amounts of technical information quickly and then utilize it. it's also brought the familiar sensation of speed.
i don't mean the drug, but simply my life. everything seems to happen faster. my foot taps, my thoughts race, my needs grow, my cravings increase. i've been sneeking in cups of coffee, eating chocolate, eating my food too fast, racing from here to there feeling like there just isn't enough time in the day.
it doesn't quite amaze me but i have been very conscious of how this kind of work, with a deadline, with lots of interaction with other people, brings out this somewhat insane side of me. on the one hand i really like it. i feel alive, bristling, energetic and focused. on the other hand, it's exhausting, habit forming and not particularly healthy. it's got me snookered into checking my email constantly, looking at the website every time i find a computer with a browser up to make sure it works. in short, i'd say it makes me compulsive.
having spent so much of my summer in a relaxed bliss of balanced and calm activity (learning about homesteading, doing yoga, doing manual labor, travelling) this all feels dramatically different. i'm conscious of how much my consciousness has swung in just a few weeks. so, now that this project is more or less done, i'm looking forward to reestablishing balance.
see my toes. they kink up. i've been called a "toe gripper." this means the inserts in my shoes slowly creep toward the heel during the life of the shoe because, in every step, i grip and release with my toes. the insert in my sneekers wraps about two inches up the heel end of the shoe now and my big toe is digging a big hole in the rubber top of the sole.
apparently, this is a common thing with tall people. it is a long way down to earth for us. i do recall, as a teen, falling a lot as my body inched skyward. i remember my knees aching, my bones hurting in a deep, internal way. my doctor says my bones grew too fast and my tendons didn't keep pace, so my legs can't be straightened, nor my toes, and i will forever be gripping. i'm not so sure about this. i'm working on stretching them out and not gripping. in the last year i'm pretty sure they're a bit straighter, but it is true that i feel the stretch in my tendons, not in my muscles. in the book i read recently, freakinomics, tall people get more respect. small consolation for not being able to touch my toes with straight legs!
tonight i came home from a drumming session and decided to make cookies. i found a recipie for which i had most of the ingredients. in searching for some of the ingredients i found out how moth infested our cabinets are. the strangest place i found a moth was inside a chocolate covered fig. the trash can is now overflowing with mothy stuff.
what i was looking for while discovering moths was nuts. i found a small nearly empty bag that had been mostly devoured by moths who left their signature silky webs. i pondered, what could replace nuts? then i realized i had some leftover buckwheat and oats from the morning, took a whif of them to make sure they hadn't fermented or something, and put a cup of them into my mix of butter, sugar, egg, vanilla and salt. since i bake cookies about once every ten years, i was game for anything and held little expectation.
after mixing a few minutes, i took a taste, remembering how good the raw dough tasted when mom made cookies. these tasted a bit different than mom's but satisfied my sweet tooth nonetheless. i popped them in the oven and they didn't cook as fast as they were supposed to. worried they would suddenly turn into little rocks, i kept poking them with a fork to make sure they were staying soft. after 20 minutes, more than twice the recommended cooking time, i pulled them out and now they sit cooling on the stove. i've had a couple. not too bad. i wouldn't want to bank a baking career on them, but i feel deeply responsible for having recycled my oats!
i went camping. it rained 13 inches. i drummed really well. i danced with my shirt off. i pretended i was an elephant. i guided a tour. i slept in a country house. i drove around a flood. i drank whiskey. i ate chocolate. i hung out with radical faeries. i sang. i clapped. i kissed and hugged. i hung out with jade and john. i drummed with daisy. i slept in a yurt. i brought seeds to sow but didn't cuz it rained so much. i dreamed of new buidlings. i saved a spider from a fire. i helped get javi's truck unstuck from mud. i taught michel how to drum. i heard faeries speak their hearts. i listened. that was the weekend. today i hung out with roger. i made lunch: squash, leeks and lentils. we meditated, caught up, shared. i love roger. i petted knavin. i taught yoga. one of my students gave me an article from time:
Stretching for Jesus. "Christian Yoga." get ready. it's coming. notwithstanding yoga's deep hindu roots, evangelical yoga is on the way, complete with son salutations. not all churches are happy about this. the vatican warns yoga's pleasing sensations may be mistaken for spiritual well-being. india's government is also not happy. they recently decided to crack down on yoga run amok because three thousand year old moves are being patented and trademarked. but yoga has always evolved, expanded and contracted. it was, after all, considered a science, a path of exploration. so, cheers to Christian yoga. maybe it will demystify those pleasing sensations.
this was dinner. and boy was it good. the other half was breakfast. acorn squash rubbed with olive oil, baked face down on a cookie sheet at 375 degrees for 40 minutes, cooled slightly, turned over, buttered and filled with a bit of maple syrup. food is a delight.
i've been working long hours the past few days getting ready for two events later this month: halloween and the white river indie film festival. i'm doing the graphics for both of them. last night i was up until 2am tapping my foot to WXND, our groovy radio station, making my knee sore. i'm not supposed to tap my foot. it aggravates knee inflammation. but, tap away i do.
while tapping i created some postcards for our annual halloween party. before that, i spent the whole day working on the poster, not shown, making revision after revision until i had about fifteen flavors of more or less the same thing. it seem that i need to see a lot of options before i'm convinced of a single path. my process rolls in waves. i'll think i'm onto something and then when i sit back and look at it after many hours work on it, i'll think, this is crap. then i slip into a funk wondering what i'm doing with my life. this sort of thinking leads usually to some kind of pacifying behavior, like eating chocolate. finally, when i give up, think that nothing is ever going to happen, a new idea will arrive, like a good salesman, and convince me to bite again. so, i stay another hour or two making yet another attempt.
deleting things is the best way i find to shake things up. brian eno is reported to have said that removing the most important thing can show you how to break through obstacles. i think this is a form of ego control. when one associates oneself with the center of one's project what better way to counter the ego than by removing its infatuation: the center? very clever man, brian eno.
so after about fourteen hours of banging my head against a wall, these postcards popped out in a matter of minutes. the stress of working the poster made creating the postcards a piece of cake. now, if i had tried to create the postcards first, i'm sure it would have been the other way around. there's no escaping.
do you ever wonder how your income tax dollar is spent? national priorities can tell you. you can also go to the federal government's budget website and get the figures there. for the most part they concur.
so what does a government's spending habits say about it? what does the fact that we spend 49% of our public budget on defense and military say? consider what an individual living alone in the wilderness would spend on defense, say in time or in calories, as a percentage of total time and energy spent? more or less? beats me. but, it seems curious to me that defense spending would be so high, considering that as humans we're the top of the food chain and have few natural enemies. so why do we have so many man-made enemies that we have to spend half our budget on fighting them? do we, as a nation, churn them out in some misguided factory, or do they just materialize like the devil? what circumstances allow the enemy to come to power? i'm no history buff, and i'm not very adept at putting the pieces of the world together, but it would seem that there might be some admission in our spending that we're not just innocent bystanders. there must be a reason for others to want to attack us. do we, as a nation, ever reflect on what we're doing that makes it necessary for us to spend half our government's budget on the defense? could that money be spent in some other way that would reduce the amount of defense needed if we changed our behavior? or is the reason we spend so much on defense about funneling public money into the hands of those that profit from defense? so many questions. i'd love an answer. more than that, i'd love for peace to prevail.
i noticed some trees in the fog this morning that sort of look like the national spending profile.
jacob drove up to white river junction today. he said he needed some new pictures so we took some. i love outdoor night lighting. it creates surreal super-vivid color and amazing shadows and textures. we also shot a few inside the tip top building. there are a few more on my flickr account which you can get to by clicking one of the images.
the lakota club is a fishing and social establishment outside woodstock, vermont. i travelled there with david ford in his '67 cadillac with one headlight out to dine with david's parents and other guests. david and i arrived a little early and hopped in two boats to row about the lake which is stunning this time of year. a light mist floated above the water distorting the reflected sky and treeline. we met geese who flew away and a beaver who slapped his tail in the water making a splash that sounded like someone had fallen in.
