queer as loaf

i've been indulging in a bit of television watching lately. not actual television with commercials and showtimes, but queer as folk on dvd with pause, fast forward and bathroom breaks. two of my roomies, javi and justin, have been watching it and i've become hooked, consuming three episodes at a time. i've found myself intrigued by the coldest, perhaps least likeable, character in the show. he's skilled, intelligent, handsome, wealthy but he holds expressions of love at arms length, either ignoring them or slashing them with his wit and cynicism. it is television, but still, i wonder, could someone really be so cold, so abrasive and calculating and not lose everyone? even with this question in my mind, i'm find myself drawn to this person. i feel that though he's difficult he is also human and in his own way is being genuine acknowledging (or not) his difficulty with love. and like this character, brian, i'm know that deep down i have a hard time believing i'm worthy of love--i feel silly typing that out, melodramatic--but i know it's true and i know it's why i have sought out yoga, meditation, counseling and even some friends and lovers. pema chodron says that we, in the west, have lots of trouble with self-love. we doubt ourselves, sometimes hate ourselves, mistake indulgence for self-compassion. this baffles eastern practitioners, especially the dalai lama, who don't understand this western trait. it makes for good capitalism! sales of self-help products, including mid-life-crisis objects and holier-than-thou paraphernalia are high. so, while the other characters in the show seem to have more going in the self-compassion department, i deeply respect the challenge brian is up against and empathize with him.