giving

i've just returned from a long weekend of work and companionship at the camp i'm working at for the summer. i'm volunteering a lot of hours to complete a new building there, teaching people construction and timber framing. it's a lot of hard work but i'm slowly discovering the deep power of giving, and more specifically selfless giving, a practice that's mentioned a lot in yoga and buddhism, as well as western religion.

selfless giving isn't something that comes naturally to me. my behavior twenty years ago was decidedly selfish and self centered. i wouldn't call myself bad, but i was doing for myself and no one else. i worked really hard to prove myself to others, not in order to give to them. my self esteem, self image and self worth were intimately linked to how well i conquered tasks and people, and not to how well i felt or how honest i was being or how others felt. i even voted for ronald reagan the first time riding high on his "greed is okay" platform, which seemed just the ticket back then, and seems to have permeated the baby boomer generation of which i am on the trailing cusp.

but over the years, through my various projects, i've discovered that i feel most joyous when my personal gain is small to nil. i feel best when engaged in helping others with their lives and projects. i'm now seeing my role as a builder and architect as a healing role, in which i am a part of a dream, often a communal dream or someone else's dream. my interest is in eliminating my interest in favor of a greater interest. figuring out what that greater interest is is fascinating to me. the reward for approaching things this way has been that all of the energy i put into a project comes back to me in various interesting ways and usually multiplied. so, it's more profitable, in a sense, than pursuing selfish goals.