ecstatic reflector dream

i had a dream last night that reminded me of dreams i had about sex before i'd ever had sex. i drifted in this dream, into buildings, through parks, down streets. i looked, watched, at first casually. then i met a person who seemed to reflect me in some way. we stopped and looked at each other. we didn't speak, just stood across from each other. the more we observed each other the more difficult it became for me to distinquish him from myself. a sensation began in my heart, a deep tingly sensation and my pulse quickened. it spread through my entire body, intense enough that it was barely bearable. at the peak of this sensation, which felt in many ways like my experience of love, it dawned on me that there was nothing between us, that in fact we were discreet physical manifestations of the same entity. i felt as if i might dissolve, that one step further and i would cease to exist, that he and i would somehow short the universe. but, the sensation went only so far. there was no climax. this was the part that reminded me of my pre-sex sex dreams. i would reach the moment where i would have had to do something i'd never actually experienced and the dream would simply end, or go into a kind of inifinte loop.

so, i walked some more, looking for other people or things that might spark the same experience. how much of this world was undifferentiated from me, i wondered? i went on to repeat the dissolving with other people, things and even songs that i sang. i realized i could dissolve into anything if i found the right approach, state of mind. desire seemed to make it impossible. if i wanted to dissove, it wouldn't happen. to enter the experience, i first had to find a state of balance, calm, harmony, then it could begin. i practiced developing this state and i became pretty good at it. i was able to move further into dissolution, to push the envelope, but the further i dissolved the harder dissolving further became. it seemed that dissolving was a progressively denser experience that required increasing intensies of calmness to penetrate.

unlike in my adult life here on planet earth where i know what happens when you go all the way with sex, the other side of dissolution is still a mystery. but today i'm looking out the window a bit differently.